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Senior Moments

Category: Relationships / Topics: Advice, Guidance & Mentoring Coping Dying and Death Family Living Alone

On Being Widowed

by Dan Seagren

Posted: February 3, 2008

Facing the loss of a spouse…

Miriam Neff (Christianity Today, January 2008) told of her experience when becoming a widow. This kind of senior moment is difficult to prepare for. It can come suddenly or agonizingly slowly. It may be somewhat prepared for in advance but its impact is only felt after the fact. Miriam told about how widows are being targeted increasingly by new home builders and surveyed by designers . . . a lucrative niche for health and beauty products, and financial planners invite us to dinners. It's no wonder marketers are after us: 800,000 join our ranks every day. Every day!

She went on to mention there are 103 references to widows in the Bible. In fact, one of the earliest tasks of the fledgling Christian church was ministering to its widows (Acts 6), both Jewish and Gentile (which led to serious problems). This doesn't mean that those widowed are immune to loneliness and solitude, the loss of lifelong friends, and even economic woes. Men and women alike are often afflicted, misunderstood, ignored and yes, even exploited.

This is another kind of senior moment (although it is not limited to seniors by any means) that is not fully fathomed until it happens. Mixed emotions result with cries of anguish as well as sighs of relief. To lose a spouse who has suffered interminably by an incurable disease is not quite the same as being abruptly widowed by a horrible accident or suicide, murder or an overdose. Being widowed is a broken moment or a prolonged event each with its own trauma often not fully anticipated or understood by those nearby.

Our culture which witnesses millions of souls being widowed every year probably has inadvertently not built-in enough safeguards for those left behind. That widows (including widowers) face ruthless opportunists is more than disconcerting. To be abandoned, unintentionally at times, by former associates, friends and family is equally unsettling. Couples seem to have a way of remaining coupled and uncoupled souls too often slip into the shadows.

If the Bible mentions widows over one hundred times, perhaps we should probe more into what is said. Human nature being what it is seems to encourage socialization and organizations of many kinds, secular and sacred alike, would do well to help alleviate this inevitable senior moment of isolation. The church, unique in many ways, often finds ways of encouraging socialization: small groups, classes, home meetings, age-defined assemblies. Perhaps there is more need for all singles (single moms and dads, orphans, homeless, widowed, disenfranchised, exiled and the like).

In closing, let me take you back to Miriam Neff who talks further of the space that becomes the cocoon of the widow(ed). She pleads well. These have been paraphrased somewhat.

  • Please stay connected
  • Please do not tell us you understand (unless you have experienced a loss of a spouse)
  • Please call and ask specific questions (like let's meet for coffee tomorrow).
  • Please do not avoid speaking about our missing spouse
  • Please invite us to anything (do not assume we do not want to participate as before)
  • Please accept that we are where we are (loss is so different for each person)
  • Please say "I've been thinking about you" and then follow up on your suggestions

To lessen the impact of this senior moment, we are all urged to belong to a group of some kind, sacred or secular, which often does help in the bereavement process. Indeed, it is not good to be left alone. When the first century church took care of its widows, apparently it had gotten out of hand. This led to stipulations on who was truly eligible because the generosity was exploited. It's difficult being widowed; it's even more painful if isolated, not only from a spouse but also from compassionate others.



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Dan Seagren is an active retiree whose writings reflect his life as a Pastor, author of several books, and service as a Chaplain in a Covenant Retirement Community.

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Posted: February 3, 2008   Accessed 127 times

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