Headin' South

Church people who live in the North like to head South in the winter. Makes sense. But where do the people who live in the South go in the winter? They're stuck, aren't they? Or are they? Goin' South also means heading downward like a bank without any money (it happens, you know) or a school without a principal (or without principles).

One little ol' lady, bless her sweet heart, went to her favorite hair dresser (men go to barbers you know) and shared her concerns, quietly cuz' she didn't want the others to eves drop. She told her beautician that her church was headin' South. South her benefactor queried, what do you mean?
She was told that the offerings were not meeting the budget, the preacher's sermons were longer, the children were drinking lemonade in the parlor instead of drawing on the bulletins. And worst of all, she deplored the new coffee they were using, not to save money but to save the earth (or something like that).

Oh my, responded the beautician, that sounds ominous. Ominous? What's that? The answer came, slowly. That means things are threatening. Thanks. But what can we do? The beautician paused a moment. Forgetting what she was doing, she launched into a discourse, sort of a sermon you might say.

Off hand, I think you need a HR. HR? What on earth for heaven's sake is a HR? A Human Resources person. Human Resources? We don't need human resources, we need heavenly resources. I know. But listen. A good HR is worth a dozen sermons and at least that many offering plates.

Really? Of course. This person, male or female, preferably young, like thirtyish. Thirtyish? Where do you find them? They're scarce in our congregation. Oh oh. That may be your problem. Maybe that's why there are so few kids scribbling . . .

Go on. More about that VR. You mean HR! Yeah. HR. He or she is hired . . . We don't need to hire anyone else. We have too many hires right now. Well, all right. Then, appoint one. But what do they do? They do every thing necessary for success. Meaning heading North? Exactly. They focus on productivity. Like more hymnals or more people? More people, and better people. I get it. They do the stuff the minister should be doing.

Not quite. They fill in the gaps. Gaps. Yeah, we've got 'em. Too many. Hard to fill, too. Listen, my dear, you've been most helpful. Now be sure you get the color right. Last week you . . . I remember. I used the wrong color. But I won't forget this time. Thanks. Now, hurry up, please, I can't wait to get out of here to visit our minister and tell him to get off his duff and hire a VG person. Oops, you mean HR. Yep, that's what we need. Bye. See you next week.